Rocklin, California

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COVID-19 Closures–Heart Openings

It can close schools. It can close libraries. It can close just about everything–my yoga studio and even my church.

But it cannot close my eyes to the gentle sway of the birch’s pale green heart-shaped leaves. Not the coal black olives still clinging to silvery branches. No it cannot close my eyes to the evening shadows on duck ponds, or the billowing clouds floating aimlessly above me, oblivious to the chaos below.

It cannot close my ears to the words of prophets, priests and poets. Oh, the poets. Their words transcend statistics, and render beauty and pathos instead. It cannot close my ears to the kindness of neighbors who check in to see if we need anything. Or the prayers of the faithful shared each day.

It cannot close my nose to the heady perfume of the lilac dripping with raindrops, nor the roses along the now quiet street. It cannot suppress the aroma of freshly baked bread. Sauteed onions and garlic. Chutney with fresh cilantro and mint from my garden, nor the bitter tang of arugula drenched in olive oil and newly plucked lemons.

It cannot close my heart to the tender gaze of my lover, nor to the beautiful, poignant words I digest early each morning from the stacks of books surrounding me in my little room.

It cannot quarantine my life, mask my face, nor infect me with fear, try as it might.

I choose to begin again. Each day. Each hour. Each minute.

I choose Love over security, because I am first loved.

I choose crossing the threshold into the mystery of not knowing what will unfold.

I choose to surrender to Divine Love and inhale the intoxicating Truth.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” (I John 4:18a)

We love because he first loved us.” (I John 4:19)

The author of this post is our Deaconess Pamela Boehle-Silva on 3/29/2020.

via Always Mercy

Traveling Mercies: Through the Back Door

I am finding my way home through the back door of poverty, disease, despair and sorrow.  These are places where the darkness is pierced by a small window of the noonday sun, or dimly lit at night with a flame from a tiny tin of paraffin.

I’ve been invited in through narrow doorways made of ill hung plywood or thin curtains covering entrances to the corrugated tin shacks in the slums of Nairobi–hundreds of thousands of them stacked side by side, haphazardly like neglected books on a shelf in the back of a junk store.

I’ve ducked my head through openings in mud huts after driving for hours on dirt roads to reach a village.  I’ve tiptoed into hospital rooms where patients lie in narrow beds positioned in long rows.

I’ve been allowed to enter into the sacred spaces of the poor, the weak, the vulnerable.  These people have given me a glimpse of holiness.  Their openness and expansive generosity have given me room to see my own poverty.  My poverty of pride, self-righteousness, judgement and fear.  And they have gently—and sometimes abruptly—taken my poverty and mingled it with their own, showing me the beauty of our lives together.

Today my mama would have been 89 years old.  And she too opened doors for me, gently pushing me over the thresholds into worlds of mercy and compassion. She, with her own wounds and brokenness post-divorce, entered into the poverty of others by becoming a hospice volunteer and an RN.  I watched her. Listened. Absorbed. (And yes, sometimes rebelled. She was ever so patient).

Doors continue to open. The spaces are beginning to take shape, even if only in my imagination.

I can see it. A place where the hillside hugs the Atemo River.  A sacred space, yet unveiled, where doorways beckon the poor, the sick, the dying. This is no ordinary place. No. It is a place where the rooms breathe with light and beauty, and the musical sounds of the river.  A place where care is rendered with tender hands to smooth a wrinkled sheet, soothe a fevered brow. A place where laughter pulls up a chair next to sorrow. Kindness kisses anger and fear. And mercy? Well, Mercy spreads herself out as deep and wide as the river to drench parched hearts with compassion, lead bodies and souls, weary from their long journey, home.

Always Mercy,


Gratitude spills over for you generous donors (you know who you are!).  Thanks to you, we are moving forward with land and geological surveys, which will enable the architect to move forward with the initial renderings!

Want to be a part of this?  You can send checks, earmarked for Kenya Hospice to Holy Cross Lutheran Church, 4701 Grove St. Rocklin, CA 95677. 

via Always Mercy

Twilight Dreams

It was evening. The sun had slipped down into the horizon, sharply silhouetting trees against the twilight. We pulled into the hard-packed dirt parking lot outside the Jalaram Nursing Home—a private hospital in Kisumu, Kenya. The noise of city traffic churning past us.  Pastor David Chuchu was responding to the distress of a friend whose eighty-year-old mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer. She was recovering from a mastectomy and the family had received the news that the cancer had spread to her lymph nodes, and there was nothing that could be done. The patient herself had not been told, and the family didn’t want to tell her for fear of making her more depressed. Her son was quietly despairing.

We saw David’s friend in the waiting room, sitting on a plastic chair, his large frame dwarfed by the mass of concrete that made up the waiting area. His face lit up when he saw his childhood friend. We made our way up a flight of steps and stepped into a women’s ward. It wasn’t horrible. I wasn’t even bad—I’d seen worse places.  But it was tiny. The room was basically a 60’X15’ rectangle. It was split into two sections with the nurse’s desk in the middle.  Each section held two rows of four beds.  Picture a hospital bed with about 2 feet of space on either side. That was the extent of the space for families to visit.  Privacy?  A thin curtain separated each bed on either side, but not at the foot of the bed.  There were a few plastic chairs, but many family members leaned over the beds of their loved ones or stood awkwardly at the foot of the bed. It was cramped. Uncomfortable.

We joined the four other family members that surrounded the woman.  Her son stood guard at the foot of the bed. David knew this family well. They were from his village. His mother and this woman were good friends. His presence, words and prayer provided much consolation.

When our visit was over and we were heading back down the stairs, I asked David “What will happen to her?” Her children did not live in town and they needed to return home and to work.  There was nowhere close for them to take their mother.

As it turns out, the woman was discharged and went to stay at the school where her son is principal.  But many people do not have family who can care for them. Remember mama Caren?  A widow with all ten of her children dead. If she finds herself in this situation, she will just suffer the pain and shame in her house. That’s simply unacceptable.

Patiently waiting. That’s what we’ve been doing since 2014 when David and I first began to talk about opening a place that could provide palliative care with a mercy touch. I’ve had my doubts. Not that a hospice house was needed. No, never that. But HOW? HOW was this going to happen? How would we pay for it? …and on and on and on…

Now we find ourselves with land! And not just any land, but a site so lovely and peaceful it takes my breath away. It is beyond anything I could have dreamed of.  It is lush. It is near a river so there is power, water and beauty. It is accessible by four different roads and straddles 3 counties. And the best part?  The community wants to donate this land for this mercy project!  In fact, they are asking, “When can we start building???”

And that is the big question. But a few things need to be in place first

1. Come up with a name so the project can be registered with the government

2. Pay for a land survey (about $1,000) and a geological survey (another $1,000).

3. Once these are done, then the architect can begin to work his magic with designing

O my God, fill my soul with holy joy, courage and strength to serve You. Enkindle Your love in me and then walk with me along the next stretch of road before me.                                        St. Benedicta of the Cross (Edith Stein)

Always Mercy,


If you want to be a part of this mercy work, you may send checks to Holy Cross Lutheran Church, earmarked for Kenya Hospice.

Holy Cross Lutheran Church

4701 Grove St.

Rocklin, CA 95677

via Always Mercy

Traveling Mercies: Home

I am home. Fairly rested. Unpacked. Laundry done. Back to cooking. Daffodils and narcissus are blooming in the backyard.

Looking in the rearview mirror at my three weeks in Kenya, brings a collage of images: Driving for hours on paved and unpaved roads, sometimes dusty, sometimes muddy and slick. Packing and unpacking. Laying my head on various pillows. Teaching. Spending time with deaconesses. Spending time alone. Visiting widows in mud huts. Snapping photos of kids in the slums of Nairobi. Conversations with my good friend, Pastor David Chuchu. New and rekindled friendships across Kenya. Landscapes so lush and full making my eyes hurt and my heart burn. The blaring noise and pollution of the cities that made me grit my teeth and want to cover my ears.

And life. Life everywhere.  Crazy life—folks walking along the roads and highways at all hours of the day and night, intermingled with bicycles, motorbikes, tuk-tuks, cars and trucks. (There are no sidewalks here).  Sellers of most anything you might imagine, line streets. Tree limbs, crisscrossed form a tiny stall where a young woman sells tomatoes, collard greens and onions. And next to her, a friend offers avocados, pineapples or mangos. On the edge of the road, in the rich red dirt, women attractively pyramid sweet potatoes or set bunches of green cooking bananas on piles of rock. Further down the road a tin shack offers electricity for recharging cellphones. Food vendors spill onto the street’s edges grilling corn on the cob over a charcoal fire, or deep-frying fish. There are places to get a haircut or a fancy hairdo, a posh mill where you can get your corn milled, and other spots to sit and have a Fanta or Coke.  If something can be sold, you are likely to find it along the streets.  And at certain crossroads where matatus and buses stop for passengers, vendors come right up to your car offering fruits, vegetables, groundnuts, water, candy…relentlessly.

This street life is chaotic, and would certainly never pass our safety regulations, but somehow it all works.  Strange as it sounds, being the person of order that I am, I miss it.  Life is lived out loud and large on these Kenyans streets.  People talk to one another. Greet one another with handshakes and cheek to cheek “hugs”. (I shook a lot of hands!). Horns blare. Motorcycles weave in and out of traffic. Cars pass dangerously to gain ground, only to come to a screeching halt at the speed bumps set surreptitiously in the road.  And I sit in the passenger seat and watch it all pass by me. Did I mention that Kenyans drive on the left side of the road?

And now, I sit in my quiet, still house, looking out at the bobbing yellow of the daffodils, remembering. And smiling. And planning my next trip to Kenya.

Thanks for traveling along with me…

Always Mercy,


via Always Mercy

Leaving Home to Come Home

I am always torn when I leave Kenya.  I am ready to see my family and friends in California, AND sad to leave those I love in Kenya.  I have been cared for in so many ways here. Pastor David Chuchu has been my steadfast pastor, colleague, friend, driver, organizer, cheerleader and so much more these past three weeks.

Guess who we met at the Oyugis market? Dcs. Mary who reports that mama Caren made it to church in her new wheelchair!! Everyone was so happy to see her and she was filled with joy to be out of the hut!

Community ladies on the land the community wants to donate to the hospice project

THE LAND….a resting and healing place. Nestled among the rich red soil that sustains farms of bananas, pinapples, maize, sweet potatoes, is a 4 ½ acre site that the community of Kojwach Kamaga, plans to donate to for the building of a hospice and healthcare clinic!  It is lovey, with a river that runs below the property providing the soothing sounds of running water.  The architect we’ve engaged met us on the site and was already formulating designs to fit in with the environment.

Love and Always Mercy,


via Always Mercy

The Pictures Tell the Story

This story begins with this photo taken in 2006.

It was a hot day and we traveled far to visit this family. If you look closely at the photo you can see the despair etched on faces.  A mama and a daughter-in-law whose lives are forever changed as HIV/AIDS claimed the lives of mama’s ten children, including the husband to the young woman standing.  It was tragic beyond words. This photo haunted me for months long after I left Kenya, leaving me feeling their despair and wondering “what can I do?”

Fourteen years later we drove down the same dirt road and made our way on a small path to the compound. It has changed and I didn’t remember it until Deaconess Mary began describing the situation, and suddenly the picture came back to me.

  Now the mama is really old. And she is alone. She is unable to get out of bed by herself and needs assistance to walk.  Dcs. Mary and  Dcs. Elizabeth got the mama out of bed and brought her to the second of the two rooms of the mud hut.  The mama poured out her grief of being alone. Of losing her ten children. Of being alone and in need of care. Of a time not so long ago that she had no food for three days and despair took over. Of how she managed, (and she didn’t know how) to get a rope over a beam with the intent of hanging herself.  She was done. Forsaken and hopeless.   And yet, some small sliver of hope was there. She remembered God’s promises to never leave or forsake her.  She let the rope go slack. But her grief remains.

Mary is one of the women of mercy whose gentle, humble presence brings healing.  She organized members of the church to check in on mama Caren, and bring her food.  The neighbor girl brings her water from the river each day.  Mama is so grateful. This day, Dcs. Mary brought her milk and sugar. Dcs. Elizabeth brought tiny silver fish, dried.  They sang songs, read scripture and we prayed together.

When I peered in the room that serves as her bedroom, I noticed the bed.

When I left this time, I did not despair. I smiled as I remembered folks who pressed cash into my hands before I left California.  “You’ll know what to do with it.” They said. I rejoiced at those of you have so generously donated over the years.  And we made a plan.  We would buy a new mattress, sheets and blankets.  Pastor David Chuchu had a wheelchair he would bring her so she could get out of the hut and even go to church.  And so it came to pass.

Dcs.Mary with new mattress

New mattress and bedding

mechanic (and church evangelist) assembling wheelchair

Oh the joy! mama was so happy.  Pastor David Chuchu, Dcs. Mary, Mechanic and mama. she was singing songs of praise the whole time.

My new friend. Oh, my heart is full

via Always Mercy

Traveling Mercies

Dylan. A sweet 15 month old who lives in love at the Udom rescue center in Pokot

Sunday 26 January 2020

It’s funny how time moves when traveling. Sometimes, the days hurtle by and other times, it seems as if time is standing still.  Mostly, things are moving at a rapid rate here in Kenya. My head has hit the pillow at the YMCA in Nairobi, hotel rooms in Kisumu and Kabondo, and a guest house in the Northwestern area of Pokot. My suitcase is too darned heavy and I am embarrassed about all the stuff I’ve packed. Lugging it around is a chore and a constant reminder of how much I have.

I’ve come to spend time with my deaconess sisters—the beautiful women who so many years ago, opened my eyes to mercy in the light of suffering and darkness. We’ve been talking about taking care of body and soul. We talk of the realities they face–things they shared with me years ago–: suffering, shame and stigma, loneliness, depression, despair, hopelessness and fear of dying.  Heavy, intense subjects that require us to take frequent breaks for singing and dancing.  But this is the life they live, and if we are honest, it is the life we all live. For we live in a world that is broken and in need of healing.

The beauty of these women is that they show me that healing is possible. There is light in the darkness.  There is always hope. Our hope lies in Christ whose love and mercy heals us. We share that joy and that reality. That is what keeps us going when things feel despairing.

And so, I may stand up and teach, but the truth is that we teach and learn from one another. We all suffer in one way or another. And, in Christ, we find comfort in his broken body. We find healing in his wounds. In Christ, the darkness of suffering is a holy place for He is the One who is light and life. This is a mystery, and the layers of it are unveiled little by little. And, in Christ, we live, move and have our being.

Pastor David Chuchu and deaconesses in Nairobi. 

Pokot deaconesses in the Northwestern part of Kenya.

This is Pokot hospitality and generosity as they adorn me with gifts and singing.

Another group of lovely deaconesses–quite rowdy and outspoken which I love! Closer to Kisumu and Lake Victoria

Photographer! Cell phones are a way of life here now.

via Always Mercy


Before I left for Kenya, I was conversing with a friend about homesickness– that awful, sick, anxious feeling that comes into our bodies and hearts when we miss home and all that is familiar and knowable.  We long for something or someone to soothe us.  Perhaps we first experience homesickness when we leave home for the first time, be it summer camp, a sleep over, going away to college, moving to a new town or traveling to a new place.  And maybe, just maybe, it comes when we have to say good-bye to someone we love. Honestly, for me, that is the worst kind of homesickness.

In the preparations for my tenth trip to Africa, I was somewhat startled to find that familiar feeling creeping in and causing me to question whether I should go. And yet, the minute I landed in Nairobi, breezed through immigration AND customs (they didn’t even go through the bags I so carefully packed!), stepped outside into the acrid smell of Nairobi, and saw my dear deaconess sister Mary and driver Rufus waiting for me—well, I knew I was home. Even driving through the crazy Nairobi traffic with fits and starts, the blaring of horns and screeching of brakes, and the seatbelts that don’t quite work—it all made me smile.

Kenya has been the place where mercy unveils itself one person and place at a time. In this place I have witnessed poverty and suffering in ways I had never imagined, and yet also experienced joy beyond belief. Africa was the place where I came home to myself as God’s beloved Child. I heard His voice in the singing of the Kenyan Deaconesses as they entered a mud hut to visit someone sick or lonely.  I felt His touch, and His wounds, as I held hands with a destitute widow, a young child infected with HIV, a mother dying from AIDS, or a deaconess in despair because her husband suffered from severe depression and hopelessness. In this suffering, I entered into the holy place and encountered an immensity of God’s Love that still stuns me.

Proud seller of vegetables in Kawangware slums…I’m still pondering the logo on the T-shirt.

As bleak as this home looks, there is beauty gracing it’s entrance

Visiting a beautiful family in Kawangware slums…a widow with 3 kids

Always Mercy,


Lord God, You have called Your servants to ventures of which we cannot see the ending, by paths as yet untrod, through perils unknown. Give us faith to go out with good courage, not knowing where we go but only that Your hand is leading us and Your love supporting us; through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.

via Always Mercy


All Saints Day Sunday 2019

The yard with her fallen leaves beckoned me outdoors this All Saints Day Sunday.  Bent over to gather raked up leaves, and to pull a few stubborn weeds, the sun warmed my back and thoughts of my mama soothed my weary soul.

It has been three months since she died.  

Ninety-one days to be exact.

I miss her more than I ever thought possible.  And sometimes it takes my breath away.

While three months is still a brief measure of time in the kronos of grief, with the passing of the days, the sharp stinging rawness has lessened its grip on me.  And, still, I miss her. 

Today, as The Church celebrates All Saints Day, I cannot help but think of my mama.  And there is a lot to think about—her smile, her laugh as big as a country sky, her kindness and generosity, and her love for her family and friends.  But beyond even these gifts, amazing as they are, are the gifts that have no measure, and these are what I pondered today.

Our pastor, Todd Peperkorn, spoke today about hope; a tricky thing when death steals the one you love. An elusive reality when grief settles around like a foggy shroud, veiling everything in a melancholy grey. And yet, there it is. Hope.  St. Paul writes, “Grieve not as those who have no hope.” (I Thessalonians 4:13b). For that is exactly what All Saints Day reminds us and what Pastor Peperkorn reminded us: We have hope. We do not find it “out there” for the world is anything but hopeful. We don’t even find it in our hearts, for our hearts can be fickle.  But we do find it laid out for us on the altar in holy communion: Take eat. This is my Body. Take Drink. This is my blood. Given for you for the forgiveness of sins.

In this simple mystery, I was joined to angels and archangels and all the company of heaven, (my mama included). Love’s immensity was embodied in the light-as-a-feather wafer, and pungent wine. I ate. I drank. I feasted. I thanked God for my mama.

My sorrow remains. But it is tinged with joy.  For my mama gave me a gift beyond all gifts—the living example of a faithful, devout mother who prayed for her family and friends each day while she was able.  And when she was no longer able?  I leave that in the hands of the One who loves her even more than I do, impossible as that seems.

Always Mercy,


me and my mama 2016

via Always Mercy

For John

I met John several years ago while making a home visit in the rural area of Kenya. It is John who inspired the dream of opening a palliative care center/hospice house. A dream that is getting closer to becoming a reality.

For John

I still remember his face

smooth as butter, rich and dark as melted chocolate, swirled with a touch of caramel

I still remember his smile

easy, despite an occasional pain-induced grimace

teeth lined up like pearl buttons gleaming against the coffee dark skin

I still remember his tall muscular frame

from years of being a soccer coach

a frame morphing into lankiness, but still too big and too long

for the wood framed couch to hold

I still remember the concrete floor

upon which the couch and the man lay

the tininess and tidiness of it all

oversized chairs flank the couch and coffee table

an outdated calendar and a photo of the Kenya president are adhered to the concrete walls

I still remember the pale yellow card from the clinic

holding the fate of this strapping man

“(L) BRST CA”…  

(Left breast cancer)

I still remember the dread

that shot through my body when I lifted his black Adidas T-shirt

and gently removed the sticky white cotton, cross-ribbed gauze

from his left breast

I still remember the smell

(and it embarrassed him as if the offensive odor was his fault).

I still remember bathing the wound

no, I remember bathing the massof wounds and bulging tumor

ever so slightly with filtered water

applying a fresh clean bandage

I still remember his words

“sister, I am dying”

and the gentle nod of my head as he clenched my hand

closing his eyes as I offered prayers with him

I remember the righteous anger that rose in me

for the lack

lack of resources

lack of treatments

lack of something as simple and necessary as pain meds

I still remember my boldness at the pharmacy

writing a prescription for pain meds on a piece of scrap paper

signing my name with my R.N after it

awarding me a power I didn’t know I held

I still remember the fear of being

Handcuffed and put in jail

despite assurances that I was free to write such things in Kenya

I remember and cling to his words on my final visit

“safe journey home sister”

“I will pray for you”

I still remember the email a few months later

“John has died”

and the sorrow that settled in my breast like a sharp, shooting dagger

Love and Always Mercy,


To donate:

Make checks out to Holy Cross Lutheran Church

Earmark them for Kenya

Holy Cross Lutheran Church

4701 Grove St.

Rocklin, CA 95677

via Always Mercy

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